Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Cancer has a cure.

There are some things that Kyrgyz people will tell you, repeatedly, that eventually you simply ignore. Interesting enough, most of them involve sickness and death.


For example, drinking cold beverages will surely cause you to catch a horrible sickness leading to your death. God forbid you use ice cubes.


Wearing flip-flops outside in the summertime when it is disgustingly hot will also lead to horrible sickness and death.


Not eating, despite whatever stomach aliments you may or may not have (including but not limited to vomiting, nausea, etc), naturally leads to sickness and death.


Sitting on any surface not covered by some sort of cushion or paper or blanket will lead to immediate sickness of the entire body. This includes sitting on an uncovered couch or bench.


If, however, you do contract some sort of illness there are a number of things that will be “suggested” to you that will surely cure anything from the common cold to cancer.


Number One: Vodka. Nothing that a few shots can’t take care of. [As I’ve been instructed, beer will not work, but vodka is a sure bet.]


Number Two: Chai. Of course, this seems perfectly reasonable, right? I’m glad you agree! Because you’re looking at, on average, about 7 cups a day. Opps, that’s when there’s nothing wrong with you. Feeling under the weather? Bump that up to 4 cups…per hour. [Chai cannot be replaced with any other beverage, including water.]


Number Three: Committing oneself to house arrest. Fresh air will surely cause you to take a turn for the worse. Why risk it? It will do nothing for you or your state of mind.


This leads me to my new personal favorite. A true gem.


Number Four: Garlic. Whole garlic. By itself.


I know what you’re thinking. “Anna, which one of these methods have you personally tested?


In answer to your question… all of them. Yes friends, all of them.


The latest method, number four, is one that I’ve just recently had the privilege of discovering. My dear, sweet host mother took it upon herself to personally force-feed me garlic [2-3 cloves] to cure my sinus infection. At 8:00 in the morning.


In case you’re curious, I feel better already!


[This of course has nothing to do with the antibiotics I’ve been on for the past 4 days nor the decongestant.]


Garlic, the miracle drug. Cancer cells look out.


[Side note: To help with the aftertaste that will surely follow you for the rest of the day, I recommend alternating between brushing your teeth rigorously and rinsing with mouthwash in 20 minute intervals. Do this until you no longer smell the garlic when you speak.]

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